By CHUCK OFFENBURGER

JEFFERSON, Iowa, March 19, 2025 — My late, great friend and mentor Glenn Leggett, the president of Grinnell College from 1965-’75, once told me, “A good thing about getting old is that you don’t have to worry about keeping your vanity warm.”

For 50 years, I’ve pondered what Leggett really meant by that.

But now, at 77 years old, I think I know.

The older Chuck Offenburger, unmasked.

At this age, you get almost constant reminders that you are genuinely an old person – and that you don’t look, move, think or act nearly as good as you used to think you did.

Have you readers noticed that – either in yourselves, your parents or your grandparents?

One reason I’m noticing it so much more now about myself is that I am seeing everything much clearer than I did. How?

I’ve recently had cataracts removed from both my eyes.

My optometrist Dr. Matt Howie said it was finally time, my ophthalmologist Dr. Matt Raecker concurred and then Raecker removed the cataracts in a quick, easy-on-me procedure. No pain. No follow-up eyedrops to do. Nice. (But that brings up another aspect of my aging: Before the surgeries, I kept getting confused with friends and even with another medical provider Sara Fleecs, my GP, and saying that I was “having my catheters removed.” Did she ever give me strange look! “But you don’t have catheters,” she said, in a kindly, helpful tone.)

Life without cataracts is great on nearly all counts. My vision is almost 20-20, except for up-close, right in front of me. Then I pull on a pair of “readers” or “cheaters,” as they’re known, non-prescription eyeglasses which I bought for $1.25 (not a misprint) at Dollar Tree here. Maybe best of all, the colors I’m seeing now. Everything is so much brighter, more colorful and vivid.

Except, sigh – me.

Barnacle, bad eyebrows, one eye higher than the other.

I look older when I’m not wearing glasses, which I now realize that for decades have served as sort of a mask for me.

With no glasses frames hiding them, my eyebrows are so much more noticeable as gray, bushy and, when I let them grow, curly. Mine aren’t as noticeable as Garrison Keillor’s but then, I’m not quite as old as he is.

I’m also uglier without glasses. It’s easier to see that one of my eyes is a bit higher than the other, and my smile is crooked.

And there’s my barnacle. It’s more noticeable, too, at least by me now that I’m seeing better. It’s maybe a half-inch oblong, located a third a way up my forehead from the corner of my right eye. Shaped a little like a rugby ball, or Sicily. It’s dark like a patch of unattractive suntan.

It sprouted about five years ago. Concerned, I asked my dermatologist Dr. Andy Bean what it was and if he could remove it.

“It’s just a barnacle, an aging spot, and it’s harmless,” he said. “You don’t want me to take it off because insurance won’t pay for it, and you won’t want to pay for it yourself. Besides, at this age, you’ve earned it. You’re probably going to get more of them, too. Just be happy you’ve been here long enough to have a barnacle.”

I’ve taken his advice, named it after him (“The Bean Barnacle”), and now use it as a reminder to practice “acceptance” in all areas of my life.

But it is ugly.

There is one more positive result of new vision I should mention. When I’m standing up, if I look down at my feet, they look smaller!

As Dr. Bean suggested, I am just glad to be here. I feel like I’ve had 15 years of “bonus life.” That’s come after a stem cells transplant at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics ended my lymphoma cancer experience – and thank God it’s stayed in remission.

And I’m now doing life with a fantastic team supporting me.

Old guy enjoying a pedicure. (Photo by Mary Riche)

That includes those already mentioned – ARNP Sara Fleecs, optometrist Dr. Matt Howie, ophthalmologist Dr. Matt Raecker, dermatologist Dr. Andy Bean, plus oncologist Dr. Zeeshan Jawa (and I’ve retired three other oncologists!), internal medicine-palliative medicine specialist Dr. Austin Baeth, cardiologist Dr. Hamza Oglat, dentist Dr. Jim Teusch, cosmetologist nail technicians Amanda Lopez and Tien “Angel” Tran who do my pedicures, hairstylist Catherine Wilson, a whole fleet of pastors, and of course my wife, partner and caretaker-in-chief Mary Riche, who somehow continues to use the word “adorable” to describe me.

They’ve all helped me see it better than ever: Despite any little challenges and disappointments along the way, life is good!

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You can comment on this column below or write the columnist directly by email at chuck@offenburger.com.